Why You Want to Run Away, and What to Do Instead

The urge to run can feel sudden.

In the video, the speaker describes being “a runner”, someone who gets overwhelmed and feels they have to get out, leave, disappear. They even mention recurring dreams where, when facing conflict, they could “kick my heels and fly”, rising above the situation so they did not have to deal with it.

That image matters because it captures the unique point of this discussion: the desire to escape is not always about adventure. Sometimes it is a nervous system strategy, a way to get relief from stress, conflict, and the pressure of being responsible for everyone else.

The “runner” feeling, when escape sounds like peace

If your fantasy is no texts, no calls, no obligations, pay attention.

The video frames “running away” as a form of relief when life feels like a pile of demands you cannot meet. It is not just wanting a vacation. It is wanting silence, distance, and the absence of expectations.

What is striking in this viewpoint is how “escape” becomes appealing when you feel trapped by your own yeses. The speaker describes how, after taking on too much, hopping in a car and not telling anyone where you are can feel “pretty peaceful”. That peace is not random, it is the nervous system finally getting a break from hypervigilance.

The shoe that does not fit

A memorable metaphor appears in the transcript: living as your not-true-self is like putting a five-year-old foot into a four-year-old shoe. It works for a while, but your toes are squished, and the discomfort accumulates.

This framing is useful because it challenges a common misconception: “If I can just push through, I will adjust.” Sometimes you do not adjust, you just go numb, then you bolt.

Did you know? Chronic stress is associated with higher risk of depressive symptoms and burnout, and recovery often requires both rest and changes to ongoing demands. The World Health Organization’s burnout descriptionTrusted Source emphasizes exhaustion and mental distance from work, which can resemble the “I need to disappear” feeling.

How people pleasing and weak boundaries build a “cage”

The core explanation in the video is straightforward: people pleasing plus lack of boundaries can create a life that feels unlivable.

People pleasing is described as putting other people’s needs ahead of your own to reduce anxiety. If someone is upset, you cannot relax until they are okay. Conflict feels intolerable, so you try to manage everyone’s emotional state.

The speaker gives a concrete example: apologizing simply for sharing space in the grocery store, and apologizing for things they did not actually do. That detail matters because it shows how automatic the pattern can become, it is not always a conscious choice.

Then comes the “cage” metaphor. Each time you say yes to something that does not serve you, you add another wire. Over time, you feel trapped inside something you built.

Why boundaries feel like danger

This perspective also highlights a subtle mechanism: if you equate asserting yourself with conflict, then any boundary feels like starting a fight. Even a simple “No, I cannot” may feel like rejection, betrayal, or risk.

In mental health terms, people sometimes describe this as a threat response, especially when earlier experiences taught them that conflict leads to punishment, abandonment, or chaos. One trauma-informed framework describes “fawning” as a stress response, a pattern of appeasing to stay safe, alongside fight, flight, and freeze. The concept is discussed in clinical education resources like the Cleveland Clinic overview of trauma responsesTrusted Source.

What the research shows: Learning and practicing healthy boundaries is commonly recommended in evidence-based psychotherapy approaches, including skills-based therapies that target emotional regulation and interpersonal effectiveness. For example, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)Trusted Source includes structured skills that can help with saying no, asking for needs, and reducing relationship chaos.

Misconception: “I just need a break”, when it is really avoidance

Not every urge to escape means you need a vacation.

Sometimes you need a conversation you have been avoiding.

The video draws a line between healthy rest and avoidance. Placing boundaries and talking about hard things is “hard work”, and vanishing can feel easier. That is why ghosting shows up: if asserting yourself feels like conflict, disappearing becomes the conflict-free option.

This is an important nuance: the goal is not to shame yourself for wanting to run. The goal is to notice what “run” is protecting you from.

Here are avoidance patterns the video implicitly points to, translated into practical language:

Pro Tip: If you catch yourself fantasizing about disappearing, write one sentence: “What I am trying not to deal with is ____.” Do not solve it yet. Just name it.

A practical exit plan: boundaries, help, and time alone

The video offers three actionable steps, and the power is in how specific they are. This is not “manifest a better life”. It is small, repeatable behavior change.

1) Treat boundaries as actions, not requests

The speaker’s key line is worth quoting: “Boundaries are not requests, they’re what we’re going to do.”

That framing reduces a common trap. If you treat a boundary like a request, you wait for someone else to approve it. If you treat it like an action, you decide your behavior in advance.

Try boundary language that is both clear and calm:

Then, follow through. Boundaries that are not upheld teach your brain that the cage is permanent.

2) Ask for help before you snap

The video gives a household example: do not wait until you are at your breaking point to explode about the dishwasher. Talk earlier, and be specific.

That specificity is the “how” many people miss. “Help more” is vague. “Can you vacuum” is concrete.

Here is a step-by-step script you can adapt (Pattern E):

This aligns with broader mental health guidance that social support can buffer stress. The American Psychological AssociationTrusted Source notes that social connection and support are protective factors in stress management.

»MORE: Create a one-page “Boundary Menu” for yourself. List 5 things you will say no to, 5 ways you will ask for help, and 5 activities that help you feel like you again.

3) Make time to be with yourself again

The third tip is deceptively simple: make time for yourself, even 10 minutes.

The speaker avoids the overused “self-care” framing and emphasizes something more grounded: you may need to get to know yourself again. If you do not know what you like, it is hard to build a life you want to stay in.

Practical options mentioned include journaling, waking up 10 minutes earlier, or journaling before bed if mornings are not realistic. The point is not perfection, it is consistency.

A few “10-minute” ideas that fit the spirit of the video:

This approach also fits what we know about depression: small, doable actions can help rebuild a sense of agency and pleasure over time. Behavioral activation is a commonly used strategy in depression care, and it focuses on gradually increasing meaningful activities. The National Institute of Mental HealthTrusted Source discusses depression symptoms and treatment approaches that often include psychotherapy and activity-based strategies.

Nuances and edge cases: when running away can be a red flag

Sometimes “I want to disappear” is a boundary problem. Sometimes it is a safety problem.

The video’s main lens is people pleasing and avoidance, but it is also important to consider context. If you are feeling trapped because of emotional abuse, coercive control, or threats, the “solution” is not simply better communication. In those situations, reaching out to trusted support and professional resources may be safer than attempting direct confrontation.

Also, if the urge to run away comes with worsening depression symptoms, like hopelessness, inability to function, or thoughts of self-harm, it is a sign to seek urgent support. In the US, you can call or text 988Trusted Source. In other countries, local crisis lines are often listed by the International Association for Suicide PreventionTrusted Source.

Important: If disappearing is your plan for coping, pause and ask, “What would I do instead if I felt safe and supported?” If the answer is “I don’t know,” consider talking with a licensed mental health professional.

Expert Q&A: boundaries without guilt

Q: What if I set a boundary and feel guilty immediately?

A: Guilt is common when you have practiced people pleasing for a long time. Your nervous system may interpret “no” as danger, even when the boundary is reasonable.

A helpful middle step is to pair the boundary with reassurance that does not erase it, for example: “I care about you, and I can’t do that today.” If guilt is intense or tied to past experiences of conflict, therapy can help you practice boundaries while staying regulated.

Jordan Lee, LMHC

Expert Q&A: the ghosting pattern

Q: Why do I ghost people when I’m overwhelmed, even people I like?

A: Ghosting can function like emotional pain relief. If your brain equates responding with conflict, disappointment, or more demands, silence feels like the fastest way to reduce arousal.

A gradual alternative is a “holding message,” like: “I’m overwhelmed and need a day to respond. I’m not ignoring you.” That preserves the relationship while giving you the space your body is asking for.

Jordan Lee, LMHC

Key Takeaways